When you’re born a dickhead – people always expect a dickhead. To the point where people don’t even pull you up on being a dickhead because it’s just expected that you are one.
When you’re born nice – people always expect you to be nice. What often comes along with being nice – is being quiet.
I’ve found that when you grow up to be nice, meek, mild, quiet. People seem to get really offended when you open your mouth and actually voice things that make you angry.
Shock, horror! We have to listen to the nice girl!
Jeez I thought she was nice but she’s being such a bitch.
I’ve often found that standing up for myself ends quite badly as I’m normally very complicit. I enjoy helping others. I actually enjoy accommodating for people. I like sending random cards and gifts. I really like being nice.
I’ve found in my life that’s often been abused. People take what they need from you and fail to give anything back. People fail to see when you need to recharge from all the “niceness” and are actually offended at you needing a break. Since when is this cool?
I hate to sound bitter. I don’t tend to feel sorry for myself as it’s actually a pretty crap feeling. I don’t want to sound like one of those sexist men that whinges about being a “nice guy”. I don’t think being nice or having niceness ingrained in your personality makes you a better person than someone who doesn’t. I don’t think nice people deserve the world. Maybe if nice because it’s just part of my personality. Whose to say I’m not the selfish one – doing good deeds so that I get a sense of satisfaction. But I think it’s important to realise when people and their actions are exploited. When someone’s kindness is exhausted from them with no acknowledgement that they may also get tired, need help, feel angry, want to be selfish too sometimes.
I keep seeing these inspirational quotes about leaving toxic people behind. Cutting out all the drama from your life and only focusing on people who actually take the time out of their day to care about you. I read these quotes and I’m like “fuck yeah – time to focus on me!” And it feels great for about 3 minutes – but then the reality kicks in that actually removing all drama (and the people it comes from) from your life is not plain sailing.
My mental health has been so draining lately, and sadly that’s had physical consequences. I know I wouldn’t have ended up in hospital if I hadn’t been pushed to my limits with hosting and socialising and being a great caring person and an outstanding teacher 24/7. So you can see why I’m eager to literally cut out the crap and just have “me” time. If I spread myself any more thinly there won’t be anything left for the people that deserve it. But is this what I really want?
Sometimes it makes me angry that people can be so blind to what they take from others. But what does that anger do? It festers and it builds up and it takes away your strength. That’s not who I want to be.
So maybe, I’m just going to carry on being nice. Nice because I am nice and I always want to be the best version of myself. I’m proud of the fact I’m nice and that I’m care. I’m proud of the fact I care about other people before I care about myself. I’m proud of the fact I don’t get moody and shout at other people. I’m proud I like finding random gifts to send my friends or my husband. I’m proud of the fact I always say please and I always say thank you. And as much as I won’t let the blind and ignorant people take away my strength, I’m also not going to lower to their level and stop being the version of my that I’m so proud of.
To anyone out there who feels overlooked – thank you for everything you do.