My meditation journey that isn’t really anything to do with meditation

I’m a naturally quirky person.

I did Fine Art at uni, love all the animals so follow a vegan life style, listen to alternative music, wear weird clothes, dabbled in Pilates and enjoy hummus. I’m practically a really crappy hipster.

I’m very emotional. I cry A LOT. I care about other people’s feelings. I like Instagram quotes about inspirational words to live by.

I’m basically one plane ticket away from going to live my life on a desert island and taking up Buddhism.

If anyone would enjoy meditation – it literally would be me surely?

WRONG.

I have tried to meditate so many times to try and sort my life out, and to be honest, I literally didn’t get it. I wanted to be able to do it SO BADLY. But it’s just something I’ve always been crap at – and I don’t like being crap at anything – so I just kept quitting.

After completing some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I was put onto a Mindfullness course. To be honest, it sounded totally weird and I literally just felt like it was just being offered to me because the demand for Talking Therapy is so high – it was easier to just put me on to something else.

I read up on what to expect, and I literally couldn’t think of anything worse than meditating in a room full of strangers, and talking about my experience of ~feeling~ the sensation of my feet on the floor. Needless to say, when I got the flu and couldn’t make the first appointment I was so relieved. It was my perfect get out to just not go.

I decided to give Headspace another go. This is a free app where you can listen to guided meditation. The man Talking is ultra soothing sounding, but it just didn’t make sense. Why on earth am I thinking about how each of my body parts feel when I literally am worried the world is going to end? I literally didn’t understand how on earth that was going to be helpful.

A few months after bunking Mindfullness, I got the Talking Therapy I so desperately needed and felt so happy! Finally! Everything will be fixed! The problem, however, was that I still needed to put the work in. Therapy – like all good things – must come to an end, and then it’s up to you to find your way in life.

I am literally amaze balls at thinking through my feelings. I have found the knack for pin pointing a bad moment, and being able to work my way through it and understand why I felt a certain way. This really helps you take positive steps forward. This is amazing for explaining to the ones you have around you, why you’re going through what you’re going through. I’ve really come to learn about my thought processes and I’m a better person for it. However, something is still missing.

Anxiety is not just about negative thoughts. Anxiety comes along with its best buddy – physical symptoms. I can think through my issues until the end of time, but that isn’t going to stop the anxiety actually happening. I’ve learnt how to work through the aftermath, but not how to deal with the moments themselves.

I’ve decided to give meditation another go. What do I have to lose? I’ve come so far on my mental health journey, and my eyes have been opened to so many things – that I now feel like it is important to give everything a go.

I tried a meditation programme from Pacifica, and honestly, I felt like a new woman afterwards! Despite having the week from hell, I just felt so calm. I felt like I was myself again. No – life wasn’t suddenly perfect – but I felt in a better place to deal with everything. Heck – maybe life won’t be so bad after all!

I literally didn’t understand how all of a sudden, this was working for me. So in true Heather fashion – I decided to talk about it.

My cousin said to me “in order to heal the mind you need to open your mind to new things, so you’re pushing your own personal boundaries to do something you’ve never liked in order to possibly help your own mental health”

What a clever bean she is!

Maybe I can now start my meditation journey because I’ve put some work in already to try get better. Maybe I needed to go through other forms of therapy in order to be at this point in my life now where I can be more receptive to other forms of healing and wellbeing.

So whilst I am not a meditation guru and I won’t be acting out my own version of Eat, Pray, Love. I might just be able to learn a new skill that can help improve my life.

So to anyone out there whose thinking of giving it a go – why not! It might not work for you right now, or it might be something you need to keep practicing, but you won’t lose anything from trying.

Peace out from a very calm lady indeed.

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