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I have battled/journied with my mental health for so long now, it’s hard to remember a time of my life that wasn’t affected by tear-fullness and intrusive thoughts.
Anxiety -for me- has so been so consuming, that some days it has been hard to imagine a happy life – a life without worry, fear, anger, pain…
Some days can feel excruciating from the moment of waking up, yawning and realising I have to plod along for another day, to the minute my head touches the pillow.
Whilst I am a very positive and upbeat person who ~loves~ life – sometimes it’s just really bloody hard to exist. I feel like this is something we shy away from opening up about. Whilst we may be comfortable with talking about our triggers and panic attacks, there is a certain secrecy and shame attached to the idea that some days people just might find it hard to be alive.
Suicide and suicidal thoughts do need to be taken seriously. If you, or anyone you know, is contemplating ending their life – please reach out for help by calling the Samaritans on 116 123.
For me personally – I want to end the stigma surrounding the grey area of not really knowing how to feel about life.
For some people with anxiety, life can feel so incredibly hard. It’s like a constant battle. There’s a constant worry. A constant fear. And until this is treated – this constant mental strain can be so exhausted and taxing – it’s a no wonder those suffering feel like they are just done with existing – and I think it’s time people had honest and open conversations about this without feeling judged.
Sometimes it’s hard to know how to just be.
That’s part of the illness.
You’re allowed to talk about it.
In my darkest days, I have really found it hard to just be in my body. My anxiety made it so hard to imagine a positive future – and it’s so hard living in the moment, when being in your body and mind totally sucks? Whilst these thoughts sound shocking and worrying (yes they can be and shouldn’t be ignored) they’re not necessarily suicidal thoughts. They are negative thoughts.
Yes- the opposite of life is death. But not wanting to be present, does not always mean you don’t want to be here at all.
Whilst I do not want to take any attention away from suicide itself – or place more of an emphasis on empty/safe feelings and thoughts. I do want to highlight that sometimes, people do feel just totally and utterly done – but there can be a fear to talk about this feeling because of it’s severity.
I really hope that if anyone out there is feeling this way, you have someone you can talk to without judgement. Someone who will just listen to you and support you. Someone who will not respond with shock and horror – but a kind heart and the understanding that what you’re feeling is normal given the circumstances.
More open conversations have to happen.
The stigma needs to end.
More people need to feel like they can talk about their thoughts and feelings before these thoughts and feelings become harmful and harder to work through.
I recently got some ink to remind myself that life can and will go on. I got myself a cute little semi colon – as inspired by The Semi Colon Project.
My life will go on.
I am brave and strong.
You are too.
This will pass.
If you need someone to talk to – I am always here.